Here's my monologue from LBGTQ Comedic Monologues That Are Actually Funny.
You can also buy the book here.
I’m Very Anxious So Here Are My Needs For Your House Party.
It's nighttime and DANIEL, anxious and sweaty, stands outside a front doorway, holding an RSVP card talking to the home owner.
Thank you for inviting me to your house party. As your boss’s son I’m very excited and nervous to attend, which is why I’m in your doorway three days early with my RSVP. My third worst nightmare is my RSVP getting lost in the mail, and I show up unexpected. That’s my third worst nightmare, number two is heights, and number one is entering a restroom where the only open urinal is between two handsome peeing men. Imagine trying to make chit-chat with someone you’re attracted to while straining to tinkle. Nightmare!
ANYWAY, now you’ve got my RSVP, and since I’m here I should go over my needs for your party so everything runs smoothly. I’ve been to parties in the past where it didn’t go my way, and I had to yell into a pillow until God told me to stop. I’ll start with my arrival.
I do not own a car, but as you can see by the nine gold medals around my neck I run marathons. I'll be running to your house. When I get here I’ll need to take a shower, BUT for your convenience I won’t need a change of clothes because I’ve FedEx’d an outfit to your house. Just make sure you’re home tomorrow at noon to sign for it otherwise I’m naked and it’s your fault. Moving on to first impressions. Which way does your couch face?
Your couch faces the front door. Perfect! First impressions are all about winning the psychological war. You must be memorable and well-liked. The following plan covers both these bases. I’ll sit on your couch making direct eye contact with whoever arrives. Ideally it’s a strapping man, but whomever it is after we lock eyes I’ll stand, shake their hand, and make a self-deprecating joke. We'll both laugh making us fast friends. Then, I’ll ask them if they’re Jewish. Even if they’re not Jewish I'll sprinkle in some Yiddish when unnecessary!
I’m almost done. One more thing then I’ll let you get back to dinner with your tan husband and beautiful young blonde son.
I do not drink. It is for schlemiels who believe a good time is had through superficial manipulation. I do eat however, and will bring a two gallon Ziploc bag of homemade mild salsa. Before I leave at eleven fifteen p.m. I'll use your sink to wash out the bag for reuse. My salsa, your soap and water, sheyn iz sheyn. (Yiddish for fair is fair)
That’s everything. Again, thank you for inviting me. I’m very excited, and not as nervous anymore. See you in three days.